Still recovering from hardcore hangover, damn those screwdrivers! As if splitting headache weren’t enough, today I realized your sick language has EIGHT vowels. Not that it affects my determination to conquer it, but it does make me more aware of the lengths we go for love. On the other hand, I feel very grateful that you’re not a Hungarian or a member of some obscure Polynesian tribe (despite the übercool tattoos in the case of the latter).
Going through the motions: my current strategy for keeping sanity. Everywhere I look, a plethora of worldly delights stimulates my imagination, reminding me of things we’ve yet to do. A movie we must see together, people I want you to meet, jokes I need to tell you, gourmet food we ought to try, lingerie I want you to rip apart…
You said it best- I am proud of us. And to think our time is yet to come.
Off to see “Walk the line” now. You should probably know that I’m a sucker for biography movies, especially if the plot revolvs around a mindblowing love story. Come to think of it, true romance seems to be the driving engine of amazing life stories, not the other way round. But you already knew that, didn’t you, you unbelievable creature. Whatever it is you’re doing tonight, know that these lines are humming in my heart:
I find it very, very easy to be true I find myself alone when each day is through Yes, I’ll admit that I’m a fool for you Because you’re mine, I walk the line
What better way to distract the boyfriend blues than with psychotically cheerful gay friends who’ll make me dress up in latex, wear 8” heels and take moronic pics with their heads buried in my décolletage? <3
But seriously, I need to go out, so help me gay. If only you were here to help me apply the shiner (time to move on from body lotion), my rubber ass would be overjoyed with ecstasy. I miss you heavily baby.
Exactly 3 years ago, I took a topless stroll down the catwalk, encased in a breathtaking latex outfit by TG Clothing. Exactly 3 years ago, you provided memorable adult entertainment moments (yes, an instant giggle & no, I’ll never stop teasing you about it). What bothers me is HOW THE HELL did we manage to miss each other, despite being the craziest acting freaks there? Let’s blame that unfavorable coincidence on vis maior, because from today’s perspective I feel the timing for our romance was quite perfect.
Digging through the archives takes its toll though. Once I’ve realized Zagreb will soon become just a distant memory, a wave of nostalgia hit me like a truck that brutally runs over some luckless cat. At this delicate moment, I’m completely unprepared to deal with overwhelming feeling of loss and endless what ifs, so I’ll just reminisce on wild old times. Back then, emotions were as redundant as they were luxury and extremely devious behaviour was the only way to silence intense craving for a soulmate that never appeared. Thank God I’ve kept this pics to witness my maturation into a bold woman who is ready to love her man, at last free of any restraints. Now that you’re gone, photos from the past are the second best option for distracting thoughts about the dramatic changes that await me just around the corner. Which reminds me, thank God for Cointreau too.
Since Eyjafjallajökull refused to erupt and Ireland didn’t sink after all (note to self- never again pay gipsy with “magical powers” 200 kn to sink an island), I had to find other means of entertainment on this cold evening. And what a lonely cold evening it is.
I already miss our endless conversations. Who’d have known that I’d be staring at the formerly despised computer screen so gladly, rejoicing even the tiniest digital display of your wittiness and affection? So here I am, caught up in a vivid monologue with my feelings, trying to fight off private demons that torture me with tales of unbearable longing.
If you were here, I’d talk to you all night long. I’d tell you about my fantastic friends and family because I need you to realize why I would kill for them. I’d show you my secret list of places to go, things to do, skills to acquire (remember that scene from High Fidelity?) Then, inspired by the cozy atmosphere, I’d eloquently explain why I prefer Vonnegut to J.G. Ballard. A few glasses of Cointreau later, I’d be blabbering about the corset, determined to convince you it’s not only the ultimate fetish fashion item, but also the most admirable weapon of transformation for both mind and the body. Soothed by your gentle touch, I’d even unfold the dreadful secrets from my childhood, which still haunt me in my dreams. But then, we’d laugh the past away and fall into each other’s comforting arms. Moments before our exhausted bodies would finally fall asleep, I’d unveil my spectacular theory on origin of homo sapiens, watch you giggle over it and let you seal my lips with a long goodnight kiss.
I could bathe in the mystery of your unfathomable eyes.
Unabashedly yet so sensually, I’ll steal all your secrets tonight my dear, Wrap them gently in my tender kisses, Consume them in my passion’s untamed flames And softly lay my lust on your burning body As I caress you with waves of purest affection.
So this is how euthanizing terminal love feels like. As soon as our love’s death sentence slipped past my lips, the world stopped for a cathartic moment that signified the end of what I’ve become.
Sick irony. After I’ve made you scream, bleed and suffer for my pleasure, now I cannot bear the sight of your tears. Those fragile witnesses of pain creep silently down your face and by the time they reach my lips they’d already transformed into stigmas of ultimate bereavement. With your head buried in my lap as you’re wallowing in sorrow and tearing my skin with your nails, I find myself thinking about Raul’s escape from Schrödinger box. I can relate to all those years of semi-voluntary imprisonement, self-denial and lack of courage to break free; only now I found the exit that leads from one world to another. It pains me so to keep the source of my newly found strength secret, but it’s by the means of ‘Void Which Binds’ that I managed to leave my prison, just as Raul did.
Agitated by my freezing embrace, you try to seduce me with your firm grasp full of tainted love. Don’t you know you cannot break me, can’t you see I’ve already made my choice? So stop showering me with kisses, they feel like acid against my skin that yearns to be worshipped by someone else’s warm lips. Then all of a sudden, guilty conscience kicks in and I agree to play my part in this twisted cabaret one last time. I deliver my final performance, as fake as it may be. The role of unnerved Queen shattering to pieces as her lover departs seems to calm you, so take it. Strip me of my last tears, sip my empathy to the very last drop and enjoy your sick game of denial. But then let go of me. Let me find my heart again, that wild beautiful heart dripping with dreams and passion, the one you covered with hurt, despair and despise.
I’m not leaving you for him. I’m leaving you to uncover my true self, the one I left rotting in my soul’s shadows.
I cry in hell today so I could laugh in heaven tomorrow.
There’s many a way one can deal with difficult periods in life. Less mature options include basking in vices, denial of objective reality and falling into a downward spiral - all of which bear pitfalls galore- but there’s one I find especially amusing: seeking advice from metaphysical forces. Given that two of my bestest friends are deeply fascinated by the world of esoteric divinations, it constitues a significant part of our discussions whenever I have a troubling issue worth rational debating.
It all starts in a seemingly innocent manner (all sick stuff do, don’t they?). We meet for a cup of tea and thoroughly discuss the problem to the point where our well of profound wisdom dries out, enabling awkward silence to creep in. Then we exchange cryptical looks until one of them whispers out with a devilish smile: “Want to see what the future holds for you?” No, actually I couldn’t care less about some retarded prophecy of impending doom or eternal bliss BUT I do love you morons too much to protest out loud, so I just softly nod instead. Again. And so the childish ritual begins. Suddenly there I am, a 23 year old declared materialistic monist whose homepage is sciencedaily.com, waiting to see what those all seeing tarot cards, runes, birth charts and pagan astrology have to say about my future.
From the perspective of a semi-sceptical observer (victimized by freaky friends though, but still), readings are actually quite fun. Our sessions always end up in laughter, mostly thanks to hilarious predictions about me having loads of sex and marrying an old millionare. Ha! However, when my friend showed me what I’m about to share, I must confess I gulped, as I often do these days. This brief personality overview is by far the most insightful description of my intrinsic traits written by a complete stranger.
I feel like I’m losing you, so let’s forget shallow horoscope analysis for a second and focus on the text itself. Try to regard it as my private ramblings instead. There you’ll find the answers to questions that would have emerged sooner or later and hopefully stimulate your desire to get to know me better. I’ve accentuated certain traits you might wish to think about before we meet again (every joke is…). There baby, you’ve been warned. Here goes:
"Individuals born on the cusp of Libra and Scorpio are ruled by both Venus and Pluto. Here, the fair judgment of Libra adds intuition to the cool, precise skill of Scorpio. The end result is something quite remarkable…if care is taken in development. Coupled with the inherent Libra craving for excitement is the bold and pleasure-seeking Scorpio mind, which is strong in self-control and determination, standing ready to carry into action whatever seems worthwhile. However, the ability to turn ideas into accomplishments often produces a marked egotism among these cuspians, which is all the more reason why they should seek higher goals in culture, education and social life. Whatever is achieved by these individuals, they will cling to with much tenacity and they can easily drift into narrow-mindedness and unscrupulous behavior if not careful. These are souls who are easily flattered, particularly by popular acclaim, and flare into anger toward those who oppose their schemes. Yet, when intuition and judgment are developed to their fullest extent, these are not only dynamic persons, but ones who are endowed with the rare presence of mind customarily found in the fields of medicine and the military.
The Libra/Scorpio cusp combination, also known as the Cusp of Drama and Criticism, possesses a heightened sense of the drama of life…both in a philosophical and personal sense…which leads to an increased awareness of the dynamics of an individual’s existence…both past and present. Thus, a highly crucial attitude emerges that cuts away careless generalizations and sloppy thinking, aiming for the essence of truth. Such an attitude may lead to profound changes in personal relationships, how leisure time is spent and, in general, a re-evaluation of a person’s place in the world. These cuspians possess large personality which could prove too much for anyone to handle. Their influence not only dominates their immediate circle, but goes far beyond. Such influence is undoubtedly personal for these are indeed charismatic souls. Yet, there is a strong indication of the intellectual in this make-up. Ideas are normally well thought out and essentially highly developed. Libra/Scorpio cuspians usually have something to say on almost any subject and their penchant for preaching makes them very capable as teachers…whether professionally or informally…and their students will invariably come to depend heavily upon them for guidance.
This cusp melds the airy (or mental) nature of Libra with the watery (or emotional) characteristics of Scorpio…not necessarily an easy task. Many times, the two aspects of this personality are at war with each other…the head guiding and the heart denying (or vice versa). Hence, they can find themselves in a deep dilemma when the intellectual and emotional clash. Periods of indecision associated with Libra may be broken by outbursts of aggression inherent in the Scorpio nature. Alternatively, the customary self-assured determination of Scorpio may be undermined by the Libra love of repose and tendency to procrastinate.
Cultural awareness and a talkative nature will help these individuals to shine in any social situation and they are experts in communication and abstract reasoning. Yet, at times, the tensions and disappointments of life may prove to be overwhelming, so much so that those governed by this cusp may retreat into isolation. Therefore, Libra/Scorpio individuals benefit from physical exercise, fitness training, sound diets and all activities that promote healthy contact with the world at large, thereby lessening the unfortunate bent toward isolation. Mentally, these are perceptive and sharply insightful souls. However, they do possess a certain sense of personal infallibility coupled with a tendency to be overly critical. The disapproving or denigrating attitude of these cuspians can hurt those close to them, undermining the confidence of others in subtle ways. Friends and family will need to fight back against such negative predictions, not only to protect but also to liberate themselves, and those governed by this cusp should seriously consider learning how to back off, keeping their opinions to themselves, or even letting go of them completely.
Libra/Scorpio natives have a decidedly modern approach in many areas, but they also harbor an undeniable sense of tradition. This is particularly apparent in their devotion to parents and children, in whose lives they play a large role…sometimes a little too large. Still, that is not to say that these cuspians will readily accept the values of their parents. Indeed, it is usually quite the opposite. The attachment here is more emotional. After a normally stormy and rebellious adolescence, those born on this cusp often return to an extremely close relationship with their parents later in life. As responsible as this cuspians seem in most areas of everyday life, they possess a side which is undeniably wild and unpredictable. Dramatic and impulsive, they will fly in the face of society’s moral codes without hesitation, asserting their personal values or expressing themselves both cogently and flamboyantly. Even the mildest of individuals ruled by the Libra/Scorpio cusp tend to be somewhat exhibitionistic…wanting and needing others to take notice of them.
Here, the private life may well include a plethera of love affairs…a path strewn with the broken hearts of those with whom they have had relationships. The particular brand of charisma, impulsiveness and mental powers associated with these natives makes them formidable individuals. When it comes to involvements, they may be even more than a little dangerous given their natural talent for being seductive, attractive, commanding and intense.
Highly motivated and usually loyal, those governed by this cusp are often misunderstood and may be perceived as dictatorial or sarcastic. If there is an ulterior motive, they can indeed be overbearing, but normally in a subtle, sly or manipulative manner. These are individuals who are both mystical and scientific…a combination that results in high awareness of what is truly happening around them. Since this cusp is associated with a passionate nature, care should be taken to avoid self-indulgence or compulsion. In addition, there is no doubt that this blend of Signs has a tendency toward a definite lazy streak. Still, this is generally barely perceptible given the enjoyment of difficult pursuits that challenge these persons to excel…and they refuse to be anything less than the best.
Capable of extraordinary originality, Libra/Scorpio natives are clever in business and quick to seize an opportunity. Not necessarily bothered with any particular scruples, they appear not to hold the truth in the consideration it deserves, often surrounding their affairs with much secrecy and mystery.
The greatest strength of Libra/Scorpio cuspians is to be found in their drive for peace and harmony, coupled with determination to see things through to the end. The natural skill for seeing all sides of a situation, coupled with enormous passion and great strength, makes this combination one of the most powerful characters of the Zodiac.”